The One Without The Translator

[twoheadsofcabbage]

[There's a two headed man recording himself in the third floor common room. The hair on both of his heads is a little longer than it normally is, and they are both clean-shaven. His smaller head looks less like it has been repeatedly punched in the face, but they still aren't completely identical.

They are wearing a toga.

It has been expertly folded and tucked around them, like fabric origami. They're also heavier, although it's hard to tell in the toga. The long neck stalk the smaller head is attached by is entirely uncovered, and the result is...a little phallic.

They both look confused. They turn to each other. The larger head turns back to the camera and says:]

&##*^))i>%*~?

[Which roughly means something like 'Greetings. What in the fuck?', but you can also use your imagination.]

Comments

[rass_bestie]

Hello, luvvie. An' how are you?

[twoheadsofcabbage]

[They stare at her politely but blankly. The larger head says:]

*^#d.

[Which means something like 'We're sorry, but we don't speak your language and cannot understand you'.]

[rass_bestie]

Translator not workin', then? Is it a problem with the dynamic processors or the audio feed? Should I just keep on talkin' then, see if you can't fix the problem or you want me to come to you?

[She waves a tool before pointing at them with it, hoping to get her message across.]

[twoheadsofcabbage]

[They're startled by the pointing, but it seems to friendly to be a threat. Then again, their brief time off their own planet did teach them that there are any number of beings who are willing to blow your head off cheerfully. Their own people tend to be a bit to busy making prolonged statements about their own perceived importance to make war. They have a brief conversation with each other, and then the larger head repeats:]

You?

[They are vaguely familiar with this concept. To most of their people, there is only 'me'.]

[rass_bestie]

That's the spirit! I [And she points to herself.] am 'Iris'. [Best to keep it short.] Hellooo! [And she waves.]

[twoheadsofcabbage]

[They nod once in unison. The larger head says:]

Scrad.

[Just Scrad. They both are.]

[rass_bestie]

Scrad. Charming name!

[twoheadsofcabbage]

[It isn't, really. It's a very ordinary name: like John. It's the kind of name given out after parents have exhausted their creativity on previous children, or possibly just aren't that into this one.

They both bob awkwardly. Compliments are something people on their planet really only give themselves, so they're not sure if they're actually understanding her correctly.]

You...r ship?

[rass_bestie]

Oh, it's not 'ere, luvie. If it's even mine. This is the Barge. Belongs to the Admiral.

[twoheadsofcabbage]

Admiral?

[Scrad's larger head asks. This doesn't look like any sort of military vessel.]

[rass_bestie]

Oh, that's jus' whot he calls himself. I dunno if he's really an Admiral.

[twoheadsofcabbage]

You are here for?

[Scrad asks. If this conversation seems awkward, that's because it is probably one of the longest ones they have ever had with someone who is not themselves.]

[rass_bestie]

[Iris isn't a stranger to these kinds of situations.] 'e's offerin' me a deal, luvie.

[twoheadsofcabbage]

Ah.

[Selfishness. This they understand.]