The One With More Information Than You Required.

[twoheadsofcabbage]

[Scrad and Charlie are lounging in a pile of pillows and people. They are looking shirtless, surprisingly well-built, and very pleased with themselves.]

Beach.

[Scrad says.]

Space-babes.

[Charlie says. The pile of space-babes waves and makes kissy faces. There are five of them. One of them is a dude. This does not preclude him from being a babe. Scrad asks:]

What was the problem again?

[And they cut the feed.

...

...

...some time later, Charlie appears alone on screen:]

Uh. We got a problem here.

Comments

[flashy_magic]

What's wrong?

[twoheadsofcabbage]

[The comm pans around. There is a six person unconscious pile of people, one of whom is Scrad. Someone is wearing an afro-wig. There is a pair of handcuffs. There is a small potted plant. Charlie picks up one of his and Scrad's hands with his other hand and shoves it at the camera. There are four rings on the hand's ring finger. Charlie says:]

I mighta drunk-married four of the five space-babes.

[flashy_magic]

Well...are you sure it's legally binding? Do they even know? Maybe when they wake up, you can file for divorce or whatever if you did get legally married. And if it's a ceremony without the documents, it doesn't count.

[twoheadsofcabbage]

How should I know? We were drunk! I don't think he even knows about it.

[flashy_magic]

Okay, I doubt they want this any more than you guys do. Just wait until they wake up and sort this out. They probably know more how this kind of thing works, since they're from this universe.

[twoheadsofcabbage]

What's that supposed to mean?

[flashy_magic]

It means they were drunk, too, and probably don't want to be married to a guy that's leaving in a few days and not coming back. I mean, they'll have a great time while you're here, but what then? They'll just be left with the paperwork loose end of being married to a guy who they can't find.

[twoheadsofcabbage]

Maybe that's our or their idea of romance.

[flashy_magic]

Maybe, but anyway, I'm sure you guys can all sort it out together once everyone's awake. If you don't need anything else, I'm going back to what I was doing. Which is remarkably similar to what you were doing, only with fewer new rings.

[twoheadsofcabbage]

That's the extent of your wardening advice?

[flashy_magic]

Well, what more advice can I give when you haven't even figured out which ones you're married to? Work that out, fix the mistake, move on.

[twoheadsofcabbage]

Why can't you fix it?

[flashy_magic]

I'm magical, but not that magical. Don't worry, I'm sure you'll do fine.

[twoheadsofcabbage]

We never do fine and you know it!

[Charlie whines.]

[flashy_magic]

You...need a confidence boost. I don't know that because it isn't true. You can be brilliant if you want to be, just look at how well you learn foreign languages. Just take a deep breath, relax, and go forward knowing that you can do this. Hey, all those space babes want you, right? Obviously you're doing something right.

[twoheadsofcabbage]

[Scrad stirs.]

Shut up, Char-...

[He sits up and catches sight of hid be-ringed hand.]

What did you do?

[Charlie mouths 'help me'.]

[flashy_magic]

Hey, now. It wasn't just him. You both got drunk and got married to four people together. Just wait until they wake up, figure out which ones you married, and get divorced.

[twoheadsofcabbage]

Well, we both got drunk...

[Charlie admits, digging himself a slightly deeper hole.]

[flashy_magic]

Right. So you'll both work together on fixing this.

[twoheadsofcabbage]

Why should I have to clean up his mess?!?

[Scrad yelps.]

[flashy_magic]

...because you made it?

[twoheadsofcabbage]

He made it!

[Scrad insists.]

[flashy_magic]

Nuh-uh. You both did, either of you could have kept it from happening, and neither did. That's why you have to work together on this.

[twoheadsofcabbage]

[Scrad folds their arms and slumps sulkily back into the pile of space-babes.]

This is not how I pictured my wedding going down.

[flashy_magic]

Well, you'll still have a chance to have a wedding go down the way you want it to someday. And you'll be able to remember it and everything.

[twoheadsofcabbage]

Ugh.

[Scrad shudders, as Charlie tries to gnaw the rings off their finger.]

When you get accidentally drunk married, we're gonna remember this, you know.

[flashy_magic]

And when that happens, I'll do what I'm telling you to do now. Wait until they wake up, and file a divorce.

[twoheadsofcabbage]

Outta curiosity, if we were to just slip away?

[Charlie asks.]

[flashy_magic]

Then there'd be the chance that legal paperwork would be filed here saying those four women were married to you, and we won't know what that means legally here since we're not from this place, and it wouldn't be fair to punish women for sleeping with you, now would it?

[twoheadsofcabbage]

Technically, we could be talking about three women, and Brad.

[Charlie points out. Scrad looks like he would happily decapitate himself, if that were an option.]

[flashy_magic]

And aside from choice of nouns, that makes no difference to what I just said.

[twoheadsofcabbage]

Why should we care if it's fair or not? Life isn't fair.

[Scrad argues.]

[flashy_magic]

It's not, but life's unfair because that's the way it is. You can choose to be fair. That's the difference.

[twoheadsofcabbage]

Yeah, but there's nothing in it for you if you do.

[Scrad says.]

[flashy_magic]

Sure there is. You run into those babes again somehow, there's a better chance you'll get to sleep with them again. People on the Barge who know what you were up to will be more likely to put in a good word for you when you try to get laid at future ports. That sort of thing.

[twoheadsofcabbage]

You just had to bring future sex into it, didn't you?

[Charlie complains. Scrad grouses.]

Okay, okay, we'll do...whatever.

[flashy_magic]

Good!