The One With No Good-Byes [Video]

[twoheadsofcabbage]

[The boys are standing in front of a Barge-normal door. You know what that means kids...]

Our warden flew the coop.

[Scrad announces flatly. Charlie sarcastically adds:]

Big surprise.

[Actually, it is. They liked Drake; thought he was an okay guy. Trusted him, kinda. Almost. This hurts.

Don't expect them to admit that, though.]

Comments

[buywithme]

Really? I used to miss mine, when he disappeared. And he disappeared three or four times, before I graduated. It wasn't something he ever had control of.

[twoheadsofcabbage]

Wait, you were an inmate?

[Scrad asks.]

What'd you do?

[Charlie asks with a knowing smirk, despite the fact that he doesn't know anything.]

[buywithme]

[Prefect looks a little shifty, because he wanted to talk about YOUR FEELINGS, not HIS CRIMES. But whatever, if it cheers you up he'll take you.]

I was part of an oppressive totalitarian capitalist regime that dehumanized it's citizens and worked people to death.

[A slight pause, and then:]

In addition to being evil, I was also extremely annoying. Someone nearly strangled me once because I kept trying to sell him various remedies for sea-sickness.

[twoheadsofcabbage]

Nice, nice.

[Charlie says. Even Scrad looks impressed. He asks:]

Was he he sea-sick?

[Because that makes all the difference.]

[buywithme]

I oversaw the entirety of the sales and packaging responsibilities of division B. [He sounds a tiny bit proud of that, followed by immediately sounding mortified at having sounded proud.] But, Comrade, really I was just blindly doing as I was told and following regulations, it wasn't really very nice at all, now that I look back on it.

And... He was sick, and we were on the boat, and I had a lot of sea sick remedies so it was convenient for me to assume...

[twoheadsofcabbage]

Yeah, but that was working out for you, right?

[Scrad points out.]

What, he didn't even try any?

[Charlie asks incredulously.]

[buywithme]

It was working out for me, but I was hurting a lot of people as well. [Pause] And actually, Comrade, once I stopped, I realised that there were a lot of things about it that were not so good for me. Like, I wasn't authorized to fraternize with the people in my division, and they may also have found me terrifying, so I never had friends. I also never talked to people about things other than work, and products they could buy, and how glorious the factory was, which means I had to go my entire adult life without gossiping.

[And Prefect fucking loves gossiping now. Shego has made him a gossip exchanging PRO.]

He didn't try any. They might have helped.

[twoheadsofcabbage]

You gotta live your own life a little...

[Scrad agrees. Charlie rolls his eyes.]

Whatta maroon.

[buywithme]

Yes, I was not very good at doing that.

[Sometimes he's still not great at doing it. He lets evil, mind controlling forces take the wheel.]

So, what did you two do to get here?

[twoheadsofcabbage]

[But evil, mind controlling forces always seem so on top of things! They shrug:]

Interplanetary terrorism?

[Scrad suggests.]

Kidnapping?

[Charlie suggests.]

Informing?

[Scrad suggests.]

Not blowing up the Earth? Who knows. Nobody ever said.

[Charlie says.]

[buywithme]

Interplanetary Terrorism and Kidnapping sound like the worst out of those things. It was probably those ones.

What did Drake talk to you about?

[twoheadsofcabbage]

Uh.

[Says Scrad.]

Shoes?

[Charlie guesses. They never actually discussed shoes, but without someone to tell them what they talked about, they can't remember.]

[buywithme]

He did have some very nice shoes.

[Very nice shoes.]

But, didn't he talk to you ever, about why you decided to be an interplanetary terrorist? Or a kidnapper? Or an informant? Or any of the other things you decided to be?

[twoheadsofcabbage]

Maybe?

[Scrad allows.]

I think he asked him about the bomb thing once, but I wasn't really listening.

[Charlie admits.]

[buywithme]

Maybe he told you what you were here for, during one of the times when you weren't listening?

[Prefect suggests]

What was the bomb thing?

[twoheadsofcabbage]

Not ringing a bell.

[Charlie says. Scrad explains:]

Boss Lady gave us bomb, told us to blow some place up. He didn't want to. I didn't either, but I was gonna do it anyway.

[buywithme]

Why didn't either of you want to do it?

And why were you going to do it anyway, if neither of you wanted too?

[twoheadsofcabbage]

'Cause if we blew up MIB HQ, somebody'd probably blow up the Earth, or take it over, and that's where we keep our stuff?

[Charlie explains. Scrad also explains:]

'Cause she told us to.

[buywithme]

So it didn't have anything to do with... wanting people not to die? Or wanting the earth not to be destroyed for reasons other than storage capacity?

[But man, doing as you're told. That is a heady lure and he knows it.]

Do you think there is any situation, in which you would not have done as you were told?

[twoheadsofcabbage]

Well, we like the stuff on Earth we didn't get a chance to own yet.

[Charlie admits.]

And we wouldn't want Lisa Kudrow to die. Or get enslaved.

[Scrad admits. He hadn't thought of that before. Oh, Lisa. He never would have hurt you intentionally.]

We probably wouldn't off ourself.

[Charlie tells him.]

[buywithme]

So, you liked the stuff on Earth, and you liked some of the people. Do you think it's possible that you just, generally, quite liked Earth, Comrade? Maybe because you'd been there for so long?

[twoheadsofcabbage]

[They look uncomfortable.]

N-no.

[Charlie lies.]

[buywithme]

It sounds like there were a lot of nice things there? And Lisa Kudrow sounds like she was very important to you? I think if you are in a place with people you care about it's easy to be happy there?

[Lisa Kudrow is probably a nice girl that they knew. Probably.]

[twoheadsofcabbage]

[Lisa Kudrow is the nicest girl they know. Unfortunately, she's never met them.]

If you say so. We wouldn't know.

[Scrad says.]

[buywithme]

Were you unhappy there?

[He's less wheedling now, more just... kind of trying to figure out where Scrad and Charlie stand with their feelings.

So he can SLYLY WARDEN THEM.]