The One With The Hostage Situation: Video

[twoheadsofcabbage]

[For once, they are not broadcasting from inside the last rent controlled apartment in Manhattan: they are in Prefect's quarters. As is Prefect. And this does not appear to be a social call. Scrad keeps his eyes, and the gun-shaped object in the pocket of their hoodie trained on Prefect, as Charlie addresses everyone, stretching forward on his stalk to peer into the comm's camera.]

Okay. Here's the deal: we want off this boat, and we want off it now. So unless you wanna see something unpleasant happen to this guy-

[Charlie jerks his head in Prefect's direction. Scrad nods.]

-...I'd suggest somebody get with the getting.

Comments

[twoheadsofcabbage]

[They turn their attention entirely on Narvin. Scrad says:]

But you weren't there.

[So any apologies would be worthless. Not that they were planning on making any. Charlie insists:]

It's not the same-

[Scrad picks up from him mid-sentence.]

-as somebody that's from where you're from. That's a thing that means something.

[And they've been around for a long time in a place without anybody from where they're from. And things that mean something are few and far between in Scrad and Charlie's world. Charlie adds:]

And Kay even talked to us like we were a person sometimes. Who else would do that?

[No offense, Prefect.]

[timesbureaucrat]

So your brilliant idea was to kidnap Prefect and wave a fake gun around until the Admiral decided you were too much trouble to handle and gave you the boot? Have you even seen the other inmates here? Some of them would call kidnapping an afternoon's entertainment. If it were that easy to leave, the ship would be half deserted by now.

[Narvin has been staring at the gun, and noticing that there's no cartridge for ballistics, no energy coil for a blaster, no mechanism at all for that gun to actually fire anything lethal.

He sighs and holsters his staser. He's seen Academy students more threatening than Scrad and Charlie.]

Kay is good with aliens. Very diplomatic when the situation calls for it.

[Now that Narvin is sure that no one is actually going to get shot, the adrenaline has faded and a touch of melancholy crosses his face as his fears for Kay's return rise up again in his mind.]

[twoheadsofcabbage]

This is a space gun!

[Charlie insists, distractedly. Something is going on on the network. They have this brief conversation, then turn to Narvin and...burst into tears.]

It's a video game controller.

[Scrad admits, through tears.]

This was a terrible idea.

[Charlie wails.]

[most_feared]

[It was a bad idea. And Kay shows up not more than twenty seconds later with an actual space gun. He gets to greet Narvin with a door swung open and a displeased look on his face.

But then there's a video game controller.

And there's Charlie. And Scrad. They're both crying.

And there's Narvin, And dammit, he's happy to see Narvin, but all he can get out at this moment is some grudging line-face. So he turns his attention back to the knuckleheads.] You two need to knock it off with this hostage business. You were doing good before I left. You did something right. You put your skills to good use. Why did I have to come back to you fuckin' up?

I just made the most appropriate icon

[twoheadsofcabbage]

Because you left.

[Cries Scrad.]

And we didn't know what to do.

[Cries Charlie.]

And this was the only thing we could think of.

[Cries Scrad.]

So we did it even though we knew it was shitty.

[Cries Charlie. And then Scrad misses his turn, because he staring up at Kay, so Charlie adds, in a sniffle:]

Your new haircut is really nice. Is that Sassoon?

[After which, Scrad manages to ask:]

We...did something...right?

[Like even he can't believe it.]

[timesbureaucrat]

[Narvin raises an eyebrow at Charlie's insistence that the gun is real. But then Kay is back, and he has a brief moment where he's tempted to just stun Scrad and Charlie anyway so he can end this inept hostage situation and greet Kay properly. But "annoyance" probably wouldn't be a justified reason to shoot a person.

So instead he reports in, keeping it professional on the public network, and when Kay enters the room shortly after he moves to his side. He rests his hand on Kay's arm for a just a nanospan in greeting, since he can't jump on him in front of witnesses.]

That is the best icon. Also I'ma reply here and just roll wit dis.

[most_feared]

[He is... doing his best to ignore the soppy looks. All of them. It's hard, but he's trying. He does rest his hand on Narvin's shoulder for a moment, which is about all he's willing to do in public. And he keeps going as if Scrad and Charlie didn't just mention his hair.]

You helped out with the whole people being murdered and forced into slavery thing? Remember that? That's something I gotta do every two goddamn days. [God, what was that, three or four years ago? No, last week. He's trying to get his time in order here. Fuck this fucking time thing.] I said I was going to come back.

Get a change of clothes and fresh underwear, I'm taking you down to Zero. No. Hostage. Situations. [He plants a finger in the middle of their chest, fixing them with an intense look.]

[twoheadsofcabbage]

[Charlie stares down at Kay's finger. Scrad continues to stare up at Kay. Why would you think they even have fresh underwear?]

Forever?

[Scrad asks, because: no warden. Who will let them out?]

I guess we deserve that.

[most_feared]

[He just assumes! He thought that was the normal order of things.]

Until you petrify.

[Flat look. He's slightly in dipshit mode.]

For a day. What convinced you that this was a good plan?

[twoheadsofcabbage]

[No one's been telling them to do their laundry, and they've been in a funk. As a result, their laundry has also been in a funk. They return his flatly look quizzically, because neither of them knows what 'petrify' means.]

It was just what she told us to do.

[Charlie admits. They never really thought this was a good plan.]

[buywithme]

It wasn't a real hostage situation. [Prefect points out.] And they were very upset, Comrade. I don't think they need to go to level zero. [Especially since they'll be down there just getting grosser and grosser...]

[most_feared]

He held a gun on you that you didn't know was a real gun. And he seems harmless enough now but he nearly had Jay killed and he helped a ginormous kudzu bitch kill, terrorize, and harass some very good people. If this man is still doing shit that Serleena put him up to like it's a good idea, he needs to sit and think about what he's done... ...Do you actually have clean clothes? [That last bit at Charlie and Scrad, because suddenly he's aware that he might not. Is he going to have to make him do laundry before he grounds him?]

[twoheadsofcabbage]

That got outta hand.

[Scrad says. Charlie insists:]

We didn't know they were gonna bend him that much.

[But all that other stuff...well, that's true.]

We didn't think...

[Scrad begins. And that's all. They didn't. They don't. And no: they don't actually have clean clothes.]

[buywithme]

They were very upset. [Prefect interjects, a little defensively, because being upset is a good excuse for doing stupid things, then a thought occurs to him, and he gives Scrad and Charlie a sidelong look.]

But you did sort of think, Comrades. You did know that this wasn't going to work, you just couldn't think of anything else to do. [Yeah, he heard you talking to Arkady. And a bunch of other people. HE KNOWS YOU KNEW.] You shouldn't just do things and then act like it's because you weren't smart enough not to do them. You're not idiots.

[This might not be entirely true, but they clearly need the self esteem, so Prefect'll take a risk and force himself to believe it.]

[twoheadsofcabbage]

But we are idiots.

[Charlie says. Scrad nods, soberly.]

[most_feared]

That was only out of hand as you made it. [And he doesn't want to think about the people that they were involved in hurting. It pulls him out of professional mode, and he's been hiding in his own responsibility in personal involvement for years rather than having to face that he lost people. Elaborating will further push him into a position where he has to admit that he was pretty badly wounded by these circumstances. So he moves on to the obvious stupidity of, "But it's alright to do this if he was sad!"]

Being upset or having bad things happen to you is a bad reason to hurt people. And this time it may have been you, but next time it might be someone not so prone to Stockholme. And if you go through with a shit-stupid plan, you two, [Non-gun holding hand points between one head and the other] especially you [at Scrad, who seems the most susceptible to being pushed around.] it stops being their idea and becomes your idea, too. That's what being an "accomplice" is.

[He motions off to the side with the icer.] Go do some laundry! I'll come find you in two hours. And believe me, I will find you, so don't try to hide. And then I'm taking you to Zero.

[timesbureaucrat]

[Narvin looks between Scrad and Charlie with narrowed eyes.]

You're fortunate that one day in Zero is all you're getting. On Gallifrey I'd have you interrogated as a potential terrorist suspect.

[It's like good cop, bad cop, and worst cop with Prefect, Kay, and Narvin respectively.]

[twoheadsofcabbage]

[They nod while staring at Narvin in confusion. Why would they be interrogated as a potential terrorist suspect? They're a fully convicted terrorist. But they wouldn't presume to tell Narvin how to do his job. That's not how they're wired.

Kay's orders are clear, though, and they're visibly relieved to receive them. Even gesturing with a weapon is threateningly comforting.]

Yessir.

[They mumble in not-quite unison.]