The One Where Of All The Things I've Lost... [video]

[twoheadsofcabbage]

[They're in their room. One of them is drumming their fingers on their own knee. They stare into the communicator.]

...Okay, we don't get it.

[Scrad says.

They appear entirely sane. Because clearly they don't have a mind between them to lose.]

Comments

[omar]

[Omar is better-dressed than usual, a hat cocked at a jaunty angle, a pocket watch in his hand.]

Get what? Is you even coming out here? Y'all beyond late now.

[twoheadsofcabbage]

Late for what?

[Charlie asks.]

[omar]

You don't even know? You real behind, boys.

[twoheadsofcabbage]

No, we don't.

[Scrad insists.]

There's a whole lot of no sense going around.

[Charlie says.]

[omar]

Y'all says that like nonsense ain't the normal way of it.

[twoheadsofcabbage]

It...isn't?

[But Scrad doesn't sound completely sure.]

[omar]

Ain't it?

[twoheadsofcabbage]

[...You make a good point.]

Well, maybe a little.

[Charlie allows.]

[can_has_vodka]

Oo, don't worry boys, we'll be out soon, and meanwhile I think I have almost got this place. Almost. Oo, poor bastard--auto erotic asphyxia, May 12, 2020. I'd hate to be him. Aren't you glad you're not him, found dead of having an elaborate wank by someone with a camera and Internet connection?

...where was I? Oh yes. [She pauses to lean against a giant mushroom.] Meanwhile the hedgehogs have staged a rebellion and someone fired a pepper gun at me, but then the wind shifted. Poor things.

I'll be back once this is over. I'm glad that you're safe.

[twoheadsofcabbage]

[They both groan.]

Not you too.

[Charlie says.]

[can_has_vodka]

Oh, don't worry, don't worry! I know all about being addled, I was dottier than a leopard before that last Upgrade. Everything will be just fine. Except for the poor blonde girl. Also poor Arthur's lost his head and the other one's got a knock on his.

Oo, and watch out, the witch has gone mad and another one's close behind her. There's Mike's Hard in my fridge, key's under the mat and the chickens are fed. We should set you up a LAN party once I get back.

[twoheadsofcabbage]

A...what?

[Scrad asks.]

[can_has_vodka]

Well, you get a great lot of computers all hooked up together, and then you get snacks and drinks and such--lots of caffeine--and you invite people. Then you all play a computer game like Call of Duty together.

Oo, the snapdragons like bacon! But what are those two idiots doing fighting a giant dodo?

[twoheadsofcabbage]

[Charlie whines.]

This...this is hurting a little bit...

[can_has_vodka]

Oh, my poor boys. It's all the timey-wimey stuff, isn't it? I'm sorry. Most people see time in just the one direction and it can be such trouble for them to sort out any others. That's all right. Never you mind.

Just watch out for the witches.

[twoheadsofcabbage]

[Scrad gulps.]

What witches?

[Charlie hopefully quips:]

Sandwiches?

[can_has_vodka]

Oh, no, the sandwiches are capital. Turkey and bacon with avocado and those dark red tomato slices.

The witches are brunettes, both of them.

[twoheadsofcabbage]

I don't think we know anybody like that.

[Scrad says.]

[can_has_vodka]

Well, if you see any dark-haired women who look completely crazy and are wrecking things around them, don't go near them, right?

So sad that such a pretty place can have such consequences.

[twoheadsofcabbage]

Wait, any dark-haired women who look crazy?

[Scrad asks.]

That's, like, all women.

[Charlie incorrectly declares.]

[can_has_vodka]

Sounds like you've been around the wrong sort of women a lot.

[A dragonfly flutters past spouting flames and she squees and starts chasing after it.]

[Private]

[most_feared]

[Because he knows nothing coming out of his mouth is making sense, but he's going to try and tell Scrad and Charlie to not risk it.]

That's why Sir Francis Drake decided to mount the Columbia and go scuba diving.

[Goddammit! That isn't what he wanted to say at all.]

[Private]

[twoheadsofcabbage]

Oh. Okay.

[Says Charlie. And then...]

What?

Re: [Private]

[most_feared]

The way that Hippopotamuses philander around says about 'em that they have no good sense of direction and never figured out how to use Google maps, FLOWERfart it on a gargoyle's head.

[And that attempt to tell Scrad and Charlie that he's out of sorts, while successful in its own way, is not helping at all. It's not even anything that would remind him of the original intention.]

Where went your butterfly warrior? [Okay, that could almost be Arkady.]

Re: [Private]

[twoheadsofcabbage]

I can't take this.

[Charlie says.]

You can't take this?!?

[Scrad exclaims.]

[Private]

[most_feared]

I can read it about as well as a puma's tail in a bonfire.

[He can't take it either, guys. He kind of hates it. He's planning on just leaving it at that.]

Re: [Private]

[twoheadsofcabbage]

[Scrad is bouncing slightly with nervous energy. Charlie is not. Scrad's face is grim.]

You know what, Kay? We're sorry. What do you have to say to that?

[Charlie whips around to face his twin.]

We are? I mean, well, yeah we are.

[Scrad nods.]

We're sorry for everything we did. We're sorry about Ben, and Jay's back and, uh, your daughter.

[Charlie repeats.]

We're sorry about your daughter.

[They're both sounding pretty earnest about now.]

[Private]

[most_feared]

[He's snapped right into silence.

It's fortunate, because nothing he'd say would make sense. But, they're sorry? He was the one that got in the relationship he shouldn't have been in. He was the one who-

No. No he couldn't ever be apologetic for the existence of his daughter. As many times as he managed to save the Earth giving her a normal life on it had been just as important. He loves his daughter, and he loved her even when he didn't have her. So no, no it's not his fault for being personally involved. She doesn't deserve that.

She didn't deserve anything that happened to her. Not watching the man who raised her die. Not being ripped from her home. Not living without both parents. Not being kidnapped...]

He just clears his throat and cuts the feed. At least Scrad's done him a favor in fixing his attempts to talk. Now everything gets to bounce around in his head for a bit, because there's really not anything he can do with it.]

Re: [Private]

[twoheadsofcabbage]

He hung up.

[Scrad states, obviously. Charlie rolls his eyes.]

What'd you expect?