twoheadsofcabbage | The One With The Ex-Parrot: Video

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The One With The Ex-Parrot: Video

[Scrad sits on the zebra-print futon in his ~~puke~~ avocado green room. He has a small television set on his lap, which his arms are wrapped around protectively. He looks shell-shocked. Charlie, who is hovering behind him, looks livid.]

Y'know, normally we're all for pirate simulations? But turning half a guy into a parrot is not cool.

[Scrad agrees:]

Hnnngh.

[...because he's obsessively stroking his own tongue. Charlie twists around until he's facing his bodymate.]

Snap outta it!

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[Well that's a let down. They thought you had something juicy.]

Oh. Sure, but there's nothing about us you'd call 'sensitive'.

[Charlie begins to say:]

Welllllll-...

[But Scrad slaps a hand over his mouth. Just in case.]

[ Sorry, guys. Boyd mostly just wants House prodding someone else for information for a change. ]

Well, it sounded like Charlie there had something to say.

[You should start charging, Boyd. People pay good money for prodding privileges.]

Nothing you wanted to hear.

[Penises involved.]

So. Are you still a Captain, or was that just a one time deal?

I'll take your word for it.

[ ...of course they are. ]

I tend to favor dry land, actually. But I guess you could say that if I was born a few centuries earlier, it would be a career path I'd give serious thought to pursuing.

How about you two? Got any piracy experience under your belt?

We're also not so sea-going. But we have been somewhat involved in the hijacking of certain crafts.

[Scrad allows Charlie to add:]

And, of course, copyright infringement.

[Gravely: ] The greatest crime of them all.

Certain crafts -- would those be spacecrafts, by any chance?

[Charlie smirks.]

We got a lotta TV's. We need a lotta cable.

[Scrad blinks.]

I thought that was pretty clear, yeah. Crafts. In space.

Careful; that kind of unrepentant talk about media piracy could be the very thing that landed you here in the first place.

[ Hey, he's not an expert on grand spaceship auto. He needed the clarification. ]

And, well -- now I'll know who to turn to if I ever come up with a plan to hijack this boat and pick up space piracy.

[ He's kidding... mostly. ]

[Scrad's face says that's not very likely. Charlie's mouth says:]

My money's still on the nude drunken driving.

[But Boyd has just said a bunch of magic words. Scrad assures him:]

Now that: we could be into.

[O Captain their Captain.]

Hold your horses there, boys -- it was purely hypothetical.

[ Even if the idea is pretty appealing... probably because Boyd's pirate high still hasn't fully receded. ]

But if it becomes anything more, you'll be the first to know.

[Pirates 4 lyfe. Scrad nods eagerly.]

Oh, sure. Right.

[Charlie smirks knowingly.]

Hypothetical. We get it.

[Hypothetical means until you get away with it, you weren't even considering it. And even after you've done it: you totally didn't do it.]

[ Actually... that's pretty close to Boyd's definition of hypothetical. ]

Meanwhile, you stay out of trouble. Or at least try to confine yourselves to trouble that doesn't bring grave bodily harm.

[ White Lightning 4eva. ]

[That's because it's correct.]

Staying out of trouble is our middle name.

[Charlie tries to look innocent. Charlie does not entirely succeed.]

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