The One From Russia With Love [Video]

[twoheadsofcabbage]

[Interior: the boys' cabin. As green and cluttered as usual. The boys are dressed like a hipster's closet vomited on them, and appear to either be working on a beard, or are too lazy to shave. The theme to 'Friends' plays. It is not in English. Charlie turns to the screen and says (in Russian):]

English sucks, by the way.

Comments

[timesbureaucrat]

[Narvin replies, also in Russian.]

Its tenses are completely insufficient, but that's true of most languages.

[Switches to Private, but with Kay also on the filter. 'Cause no sneaking around going on here, no siree. Just trying to tie up the loose ends.]

You told Agent Kay. Well, now you know I was lying.

Although, for the record, you never needed my protection. He's not going to kill you. Not unless you threatened Earth or the lives of other sentients, then he'd almost certainly kill you. [Narvin's version of reassurance, there.] But so long as you're not a threat, you're perfectly safe.

Private

[twoheadsofcabbage]

We told who what?

[Scrad asks. Charlie insists:]

We never said nothin'.

Private

[timesbureaucrat]

Told Agent Kay. About our conversation. Our...bargain. In which I [awkward throat clearing] lied a bit.

[Well, this is unexpected. He thought Scrad and Charlie would have to be talked out of holding a grudge about the lie. Not that they'd deny everything as if they were the ones who'd schemed and lied.]

Private

[twoheadsofcabbage]

No.

[Scrad says. They told Drake. Drake told Kay. But they do generally assume that they are the party who has done something wrong and has to wriggle their way out of it in all occasions.]

Private

[timesbureaucrat]

Well, you obviously told someone.

[Damn, he slipped into his hissing interrogator voice. Their mannerisms bring it out in him. They just act like someone Narvin ought to be interrogating. Which is not the mien he's trying to project when he's actually attempting to apologize (sort of) for lying and leading them on that he was an alien criminal.

Deep breath.]

You're not in any trouble for it. The whole thing was my scheme, not yours. I bear the responsibility.

Private

[twoheadsofcabbage]

[They have that effect on people.]

Oh.

[Says Scrad, who looks confused. Charlie says:]

Well. You do good work.

Private

[timesbureaucrat]

Thank you. [Narvin is as confused by this conversation as Scrad looks. But he's trying to hide it.] I've had about six centuries of experience at being devious.

So you aren't...ah...planning to wait until I'm weak and then take your revenge or anything like that?

Private

[twoheadsofcabbage]

That explains it.

[Charlie agrees.]

N-...no? Were we supposed to?

[Scrad answers/asks.]

Private

[timesbureaucrat]

I'd rather you didn't.

Private

[twoheadsofcabbage]

Okay, we won't.

[Scrad agrees, agreeably enough. And if you had said the opposite...why would you? But they would have done as instructed. It just never would have occurred to them on their own.]

Private

[timesbureaucrat]

Good.

[If only all his potential enemies were this easy to convince to not try to hurt him.]

Private

[twoheadsofcabbage]

You aren't planning to...something...too, right?

[Charlie asks.]

Private

[timesbureaucrat]

I'm planning a lot of things. [He's a Time Lord and a spy; he's always planning things.]

But I'm not planning anything against you. You've done nothing to give me reason to.

Private

[twoheadsofcabbage]

[Whoa. That was, like, almost a compliment.]

Right. Right.

[Scrad murmurs.]

Y'know, if you needed anything...whenever...

[Charlie begins. Scrad finishes:]

We could probably do it.

Private

[timesbureaucrat]

["I don't actively hate you" is sort of a nice thing to say by Narvin standards, given that he doesn't do niceness well. Although he doesn't know what to make of their offer to help him out sometime.]

I'll keep that in mind.