twoheadsofcabbage | The One With The Ex-Parrot: Video

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The One With The Ex-Parrot: Video

[Scrad sits on the zebra-print futon in his ~~puke~~ avocado green room. He has a small television set on his lap, which his arms are wrapped around protectively. He looks shell-shocked. Charlie, who is hovering behind him, looks livid.]

Y'know, normally we're all for pirate simulations? But turning half a guy into a parrot is not cool.

[Scrad agrees:]

Hnnngh.

[...because he's obsessively stroking his own tongue. Charlie twists around until he's facing his bodymate.]

Snap outta it!

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[No, that doesn't sound at all questionable, legality-wise.]

And how successful were you at this finding stuff for money?

[Your Earth laws mean nothing...in space. Scrad reports:]

We do pretty good for ourselves.

[The junk strewn carelessly around their room corroborates. Most of it is electronic. Some of it is very expensive.]

So in other words, Charlie likes 'shiny' things even when he's not a parrot.

[Yeah, he'll definitely be keeping an eye on his own belongings, meager though they may be in comparison.]

[Scrad doesn't sound offended, but he does point out:]

Hey. We bought all this stuff.

[And you can tell, because it's difficult to imagine who else would ever have bought it, so that they could steal it in the first place.]

Earth's good for, you know, stuff.

[Charlie eyes House through the comm., before saying:]

So you're probably not an actual pirate doctor, huh?

[And that is a shame.]

The Earth is definitely full of stuff. More stuff than it really needs, to be honest. [He's still going to keep a close on HIS stuff, boys.]

Sadly, no, I'm not an actual pirate. I am a real doctor, though.

[Scrad seems surprised.]

Really?

[Charlie, of course, says:]

What's up, doc?

Like I've never heard that before.

But yes, I'm an actual doctor. Got my own stethoscope and everything. [He considers who he's talking to.] Of course, my expertise is limited to humans.

No kidding.

[Scrad's brow creases.]

Waaaaait a sec: if you're a doctor, what're you doing here?

[Charlie eyes House with renewed interest.]

What'd you do?

[Sorry, Charlie--that information is strictly need to know and you don't. Neither does anyone else for that matter.]

I attempted to surgically separate conjoined twins while drunk. The results were very...Picasso-like.

[They see what you did there. Scrad backs them up a little from the comm.]

You're a very sick man.

[That's not entirely an insult.]

[Good move, Scrad--you're smarter than you look.]

You have no idea. [That's definitely a note of pride in his voice. Hey, if you're going to be a jerk, might as well be good at it.]

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The One With The Ex-Parrot: Video

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