The One With The Empty Hand: Video

[twoheadsofcabbage]

[They stand in their room with their arms crossed. They're knee deep in Human detritus, as usual and yet: they don't look happy. Charlie complains first:]

What the suck? Who decided you can't take it with you?

[Scrad grumbles:]

We worked hard for that loot.

[Charlie adds:]

Yeah, we looted hard for it.

Comments

[twoheadsofcabbage]

Who said anything about small?

[Charlie says with a smirk.]

[timesbureaucrat]

Small time crook with small time ambitions? I guessed that anything you might have taken was petty and didn't require much effort to transport. Things you could carry in your arms or the back of a vehicle.

[Not the sort of supervillain who would create an intricate plot to run off with 20 nuclear warheads or a top secret experimental military submarine or anything like that.]

[twoheadsofcabbage]

Watch what you call petty!

[Scrad hisses. They had more than one large flat screen TV in that stash. But even they wouldn't call themselves supervillains. They're aware of where in the villainous hierarchy they fall, and they have no ambition to be any higher up. They have no ambition to be any anything, really.

But an experimental military submarine does sound like a good investment, and had they come across one they most certainly would have sold its location to the highest bidder.]

[timesbureaucrat]

I'm watching it right now.

[Thanks to the vid feature on the communicator.]

[twoheadsofcabbage]

Are you talking about us, or this thing?

[Scrad asks, shaking the comm slightly.]

[timesbureaucrat]

I'm talking about you two nitwits, of course. [He snaps irritably. Having to explain it takes all the satisfaction out of snarking.]

[twoheadsofcabbage]

Alright then.

[Scrad says. Because you can insult them all you like, but step off TV's nuts.]

[timesbureaucrat]

Right.

[And Scrad and Charlie just accepting it really takes the wind out of his snarky sails.]

[twoheadsofcabbage]

[Sorry boss: you ain't telling 'em anything they don't think about each other anyway. Scrad looks uncomfortable and offers:]

...we'll...try to steal something bigger that we won't get to keep next time?

[timesbureaucrat]

[Narvin still thinks that when someone insults you and you think it's true, you either protest loudly anyway or proudly claim the insult and wear it like a badge. Acquiescence is just weird.]

You're taking away the wrong lesson from this.

[twoheadsofcabbage]

[Either of those things would require pride. They have none.]

Okay?

[Scrad says. Charlie looks on expectantly.]

[timesbureaucrat]

[Sigh.]

The ephemeral nature of material goods, perhaps? Or the futility of trying to game the system on the Barge. Or your misplaced priorities when the world has gone to hell. Pick one.

[Muttered to himself.] Twice the brains of a human and half the intelligence.

[twoheadsofcabbage]

Well what else's are you supposed to do when the world goes to hell?

[Charlie asks.]

[timesbureaucrat]

If you like living in the world at all, trying to keep it from going to hell is a start.

[twoheadsofcabbage]

It was already there.

[Scrad insists. Charlie adds:]

Plus, we're no heroes.

[timesbureaucrat]

I'm no hero either. I simply dislike a world falling to pieces while I'm on it.

[twoheadsofcabbage]

Nobody likes that.

[Charlie says.]

But it's not like there was any bomb for us to not set off this time.

[timesbureaucrat]

I should have put you to work. I'm sure I could have found something constructive for you to do.

[twoheadsofcabbage]

Such as?

[Charlie asks.]

[timesbureaucrat]

Information gathering, most likely.

[twoheadsofcabbage]

If we knew you wanted it, we coulda got between lootings.

[Scrad says. Charlie adds:]

We multitask.