twoheadsofcabbage | The One With The Ex-Parrot: Video

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The One With The Ex-Parrot: Video

[Scrad sits on the zebra-print futon in his ~~puke~~ avocado green room. He has a small television set on his lap, which his arms are wrapped around protectively. He looks shell-shocked. Charlie, who is hovering behind him, looks livid.]

Y'know, normally we're all for pirate simulations? But turning half a guy into a parrot is not cool.

[Scrad agrees:]

Hnnngh.

[...because he's obsessively stroking his own tongue. Charlie twists around until he's facing his bodymate.]

Snap outta it!

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Lou Reed is acceptable. And Queen, but only with Freddie Mercury.

[He knows bad taste, like stupidity, is pervasive among humans. He had hoped other species would not be similarly afflicted. Thanks for killing that one small hope, boys.]

So you know all about human so-called culture?

Naturally.

[So much so that they both say so. Scrad continues:]

We'd been working Earth for about four years. Fitting in's part of the job.

You...actually fit in?

[House's shock is obvious. He barely fits into human society. He can't imagine how you do.]

Yeah. Nobody even notices when we talk to ourselves.

That's New York City for ya.

[It's a helluva town.]

[But dude, you have TWO heads.

Then again, anything goes in New York City.]

I know I'll regret asking this but.... Are there any other aliens wandering around Earth?

[And one of them fits in a backpack.

The chuckling starts with Scrad.]

Are there...any other aliens...on Earth.

[By the time he's finished repeating House's question, Charlie is laughing hysterically.]

You ever to been to New York City? Think about it.

Okay, fine--it was a stupid question.

And here's another: why come to Earth in the first place?

[Scrad shrugs.]

Whole place's a neutral zone. For anybody who's got a problem with their own planet. Or that wants a vacation.

[Charlie add:]

Like the Switzerland of the Universe if the Swiss didn't know about it.

Huh. [Hey, it's a lot of information to take in. Not to mention completely changing his view of both the world and the universe.]

Wish I'd known this before. Would've explained a lot...like Lady Gaga.

[Both of their brows crease. Scrad asks:]

Who?

Nobody you need to know about. Forget I mentioned it.

So what was your reason for coming to Earth--vacation or problem with your home planet?

[There was, yes, a problem with the ol' homestead initially, which was that it sucked, and they found the rest of their species more or less unbearable. But that's not the reason they came to Earth, which Charlie explains was:]

Business. A certain somebody hired us to track down a certain something. So we did.

You mean like private detectives? Or more like repo men?

[House is betting on the latter.]

[Here is Scrad's attempt:]

Like...a guy who finds stuff for you...that other people maybe don't want you to find.

[Charlie adds:]

For money.

[No, that doesn't sound at all questionable, legality-wise.]

And how successful were you at this finding stuff for money?

[Your Earth laws mean nothing...in space. Scrad reports:]

We do pretty good for ourselves.

[The junk strewn carelessly around their room corroborates. Most of it is electronic. Some of it is very expensive.]

So in other words, Charlie likes 'shiny' things even when he's not a parrot.

[Yeah, he'll definitely be keeping an eye on his own belongings, meager though they may be in comparison.]

[Scrad doesn't sound offended, but he does point out:]

Hey. We bought all this stuff.

[And you can tell, because it's difficult to imagine who else would ever have bought it, so that they could steal it in the first place.]

Earth's good for, you know, stuff.

[Charlie eyes House through the comm., before saying:]

So you're probably not an actual pirate doctor, huh?

[And that is a shame.]

The Earth is definitely full of stuff. More stuff than it really needs, to be honest. [He's still going to keep a close on HIS stuff, boys.]

Sadly, no, I'm not an actual pirate. I am a real doctor, though.

[Scrad seems surprised.]

Really?

[Charlie, of course, says:]

What's up, doc?

Like I've never heard that before.

But yes, I'm an actual doctor. Got my own stethoscope and everything. [He considers who he's talking to.] Of course, my expertise is limited to humans.

No kidding.

[Scrad's brow creases.]

Waaaaait a sec: if you're a doctor, what're you doing here?

[Charlie eyes House with renewed interest.]

What'd you do?

[Sorry, Charlie--that information is strictly need to know and you don't. Neither does anyone else for that matter.]

I attempted to surgically separate conjoined twins while drunk. The results were very...Picasso-like.

[They see what you did there. Scrad backs them up a little from the comm.]

You're a very sick man.

[That's not entirely an insult.]

[Video]

huge_egomd - 2012-03-26 04:10 (UTC) - Expand

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The One With The Ex-Parrot: Video

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[Video] 1/2 Scrad. Experimenting on you, sorry.

[Video] 2/2 Charlie

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