The One With The Ex-Parrot: Video

[twoheadsofcabbage]

[Scrad sits on the zebra-print futon in his puke avocado green room. He has a small television set on his lap, which his arms are wrapped around protectively. He looks shell-shocked. Charlie, who is hovering behind him, looks livid.]

Y'know, normally we're all for pirate simulations? But turning half a guy into a parrot is not cool.

[Scrad agrees:]

Hnnngh.

[...because he's obsessively stroking his own tongue. Charlie twists around until he's facing his bodymate.]

Snap outta it!

Comments

[Video]

[huge_egomd]

[With or without a couple million, he doesn't trust you as far as he can throw you.]

Expensive tastes, eh? Is that what landed you on this ship of fools?

[Video]

[twoheadsofcabbage]

[A lot of people seem to share that sentiment. They actually aren't all that untrustworthy; to be so requires a level of critical thinking they'd prefer someone else did, if at all possible. Scrad shrugs.]

Nobody told us; we just woke up here.

[But they're aware that it was probably the space terrorism.]

[Video]

[huge_egomd]

[Well, House doesn't trust anyone. The fact one of you tried to jump his cane has done nothing to change his default setting.]

Yeah, we all just woke up here with no explanation, but you know why you're here. [And now House wants to know.]

[Video]

[twoheadsofcabbage]

[Scrad hems and haws a little.]

We...may have been involved in a few...underhanded deals.

[Charlie adds:]

With a few...less than altruistic...psychopaths bent on wiping out entire races.

[Scrad shoots him a dirty look for spilling so many of the beans.]

Look. We're an informant, basically. We do a little grunt work, and we're aware that it's not exactly honorable, but everybody's gotta eat. And we personally happen to have two mouths to feed.

[Video]

[huge_egomd]

[Have a highly skeptical House]

Give me a break. You didn't get sent here because you sold a little information. Not unless that information was a matter of national galactic security.

It wasn't, was it? Did you sell out your planet? Or anyone's planet?

[Video]

[twoheadsofcabbage]

[Charlie glances at his body-mate.]

Who said it was a little information?

[Scrad plays it cooler.]

We've sold a lot of stuff.

[Video]

[huge_egomd]

Nuclear weapons? Weaponized anthrax? The collected works of Britney Spears?

[Video]

[twoheadsofcabbage]

[Charlie bites his lower lip.]

Her music blows, but she is a hot little number.

[Or she was in 2002, where they're from.]

[Video]

[huge_egomd]

Aliens listen to Britney?

Well. So much for intelligent life in the universe.

[Video]

[twoheadsofcabbage]

[Charlie points out:]

We look at Britney.

[Scrad allows:]

But she does have a surprisingly broad fan-base.

[Video]

[huge_egomd]

[You have no idea how much this horrifies House. NO IDEA.]

Please tell me you also know John Coltrane. Bob Dylan? Mozart?

[Video]

[twoheadsofcabbage]

[Think of it this way: people aren't so different, no matter where in the universe they come from. We're all united under bad taste.

Coltrane and Mozart get nothing, but Scrad gives Bob a shrug.]

Dylan. Sure.

[Who doesn't know Bob Dylan? Charlie rattles off a few of their favs:]

We're more Lou Reed. Queen. The Sweet.

[In other words: 70's glam rock.]

[Video]

[huge_egomd]

Lou Reed is acceptable. And Queen, but only with Freddie Mercury.

[He knows bad taste, like stupidity, is pervasive among humans. He had hoped other species would not be similarly afflicted. Thanks for killing that one small hope, boys.]

So you know all about human so-called culture?

[Video]

[twoheadsofcabbage]

Naturally.

[So much so that they both say so. Scrad continues:]

We'd been working Earth for about four years. Fitting in's part of the job.

[Video]

[huge_egomd]

You...actually fit in?

[House's shock is obvious. He barely fits into human society. He can't imagine how you do.]

[Video] 1/2 Scrad. Experimenting on you, sorry.

[twoheadsofcabbage]

Yeah. Nobody even notices when we talk to ourselves.

[Video] 2/2 Charlie

[twoheadsofcabbage]

That's New York City for ya.

[It's a helluva town.]

[Video]

[huge_egomd]

[But dude, you have TWO heads.

Then again, anything goes in New York City.]

I know I'll regret asking this but.... Are there any other aliens wandering around Earth?

[Video]

[twoheadsofcabbage]

[And one of them fits in a backpack.

The chuckling starts with Scrad.]

Are there...any other aliens...on Earth.

[By the time he's finished repeating House's question, Charlie is laughing hysterically.]

You ever to been to New York City? Think about it.

[Video]

[huge_egomd]

Okay, fine--it was a stupid question.

And here's another: why come to Earth in the first place?

[Video]

[twoheadsofcabbage]

[Scrad shrugs.]

Whole place's a neutral zone. For anybody who's got a problem with their own planet. Or that wants a vacation.

[Charlie add:]

Like the Switzerland of the Universe if the Swiss didn't know about it.

[Video]

[huge_egomd]

Huh. [Hey, it's a lot of information to take in. Not to mention completely changing his view of both the world and the universe.]

Wish I'd known this before. Would've explained a lot...like Lady Gaga.

[Video]

[twoheadsofcabbage]

[Both of their brows crease. Scrad asks:]

Who?

[Video]

[huge_egomd]

Nobody you need to know about. Forget I mentioned it.

So what was your reason for coming to Earth--vacation or problem with your home planet?

[Video]

[twoheadsofcabbage]

[There was, yes, a problem with the ol' homestead initially, which was that it sucked, and they found the rest of their species more or less unbearable. But that's not the reason they came to Earth, which Charlie explains was:]

Business. A certain somebody hired us to track down a certain something. So we did.